survival mode

Some nights (and days) I have this dream.  I will hire a trainer.  I will meet with him/her three days a week.  He/she will help me make this body strong, and I will beat the pain that comes for no reason other than the bloody weather decides to take a turn.  And then I will be able to manage my affairs like an adult, and keeping my apartment clean won’t be so fucking difficult and doing laundry so overwhelming.

Sometimes I dream about living and not just surviving day to day, hour by hour.

It would hurt in the beginning.  And I mean seriously hurt.  You know how bad it sucks when you start exercising again because you haven’t done it in a long time?  People with fibromyalgia tend to experience pain at three times the level that a normal person does—there’s something wrong with our pain receptors.  So instead of trying to overcome pain, we do everything we can to run away from it.  If we hurt, we do the opposite of what we should do: we stop moving.

That’s the rub, isn’t it?  When one is in survival mode already, protecting oneself from pain is the current goal, but protecting oneself from pain is actually the root cause of the problem.  To break out of the survival mode, you actually need someone to force you out of the pattern, and it’s incredibly hard to inflict pain on yourself if you are already in pain.

Sometimes you need some form of boot camp, you know?


~ by logosamorbos on September 15, 2011.

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